How to reinvent yourself

An end is a new beginning.

In today's fast and volatile economy, you have to know how to reinvent yourself, and be comfortable doing it.

How did you end up here?

There can be many reasons why you came to feel like you hit a dead end.  It's life.

Maybe you got passed over for a promotion, and now you feel stuck.  Or worse, you got fired from your job.  Even a successful professional might be yearning for meaning, asking if she chose the right profession.

Maybe you are turning a new chapter in your personal life.  Are you going through a separation?  Or did you lose someone you love?  You can't help but think of those missed moments for a deeper connection.

You know that dwelling on the past won't change the present, but you can't help it.  It hurts.  It's life.  But, how can you move past the struggle in your life, stronger and better?

Coming to America

We have different expectations about what living well means today than generations before.  Only about a century ago, millions of immigrants were coming to America to start over.  Correction.  Millions are still coming to America to start a new job, new life, new culture, new family.

When my parents came to America (from Korea), they didn't really know how the future would turn out.  They settled in, learned the language, and continued their self-education to provide a better life for the family.

My mom didn't have a college degree when she came to America (she had dropped out to raise us in Korea).  But, she worked during the day, drove us to sports and music, and then attended evening classes.  She eventually got a master's degree in education.  Today, she teaches ESL kids who are near and dear to her heart.  I still don't know how she did it, but she did it.

So How?

Have No Regrets

When I moved to Silicon Valley and started hustling for startups, I was a fish out of water.  I'd trained as a corporate middle management, and had a freshly minted MBA.  It was little (i.e. no) help in freelancing.  I had to try new things, fail a lot, and learn how to sell something to make a buck.

More than once, I wondered: what the hell am I doing?  Why didn't I stay in my corporate gig complete with a six figure salary and plenty of upside?  I had plenty of reasons (boredom, stagnation, people, etc).

But, the point is, I left because I wanted to be something else.  How am I doing on that path?

I can choose to dwell on the past, or I can focus on thinking of what I am trying to become.  It's a simple choice.  So, no regrets.

Nothing Is Wasted: You're Just Training

No regrets.  Easier said than done, right?  One thing that might help you is to think of any setback as training in progress.  It's like the old saying, if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger.  Why is that?  It's because you're learning, and you're experiencing something that will help you be more mature or more skilled next time you encounter a challenge.

You see this all the time with little children.  Today they fall.  Tomorrow they walk a little better.  Today they struggle with words.  Tomorrow they are pointing and talking non-stop.  (I have a cute niece who's now going through this phase.)

You're the same.  You're just being put through a trial so you can get better.  Practice makes perfect. (So many cliches.  Want one more?  No pain, no gain.)  Take things in stride, and think of how you can best take advantage to improve as much as possible this go around.

After he had invented the first phonograph and the lasting lightbulb, Thomas Edison became a national sensation.  But, Edison lost the electricity battle (AC/DC), and then Edison went into mining.  Mining turned out to be a disaster.  But, that didn't stop Edison.  He put the different experiences together - the light, the phonograph that recorded sound - and he put together what was the first motion picture camera in the world.  He was a master at reinventing himself, because he was always learning.  (Found a Kindle bio of Edison for free at the time of this post.)

Learn and Invest

I know I focus on this a lot, but it's true.  Learning and adapting is what makes us human.  If you don't learn from your failures, then that really is regrettable.

It's about building self-awareness to learn what works and what doesn't work for you.  How can you do it better next time?

You know how in stock market they say, buy low and sell high?

Well, if you are in a low, then perhaps it's a great time to invest for the future.  What new skills could you pick up?

Going back to my story, I'm now back in a corporate workplace.  The time I spent hustling taught me so much about how to build something new and create value.  In my work today, I have to know both finance and sales.  Thanks to the different experiences I've had, I know how to do both (otherwise, I'd only know accounting).

Treat Yourself

Reinventing yourself, becoming something better, is all about a mindset.  If you resist and moan about changing, you'll be miserable.  You'll become grumpy and stressed out.  Instead, if you take new challenges and competition as a way to learn and improve, you'll derive a new sense of purpose.

Staying healthy helps.  I take health for granted.  But, whenever I'm down with a migraine, I realize just how lucky I am to be physically healthy.  Physical and mental health go hand in hand.  Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically so you can stay mentally focused, and vice versa.

You know best how to get fit.  It might involve going out for a long run.  It might be eating less sugar and healthier fare.  Or it might be things you don't do, like eating ice cream and watching TV till 2 AM.

It Takes a Village

This can be hard, because whatever you are going through feels very personal.  It's your own cross to bear, and no one understands you.  Except, it's not true.  You'll be so much happier if you can share your troubles with a close friend.

In a professional setting, you don't even have to disclose your feelings.  Just be honest about challenges you are facing and your desire to overcome them.  Enlist your manager and your teammates help you get through the situation.  If you approach it in a mature fashion no one will shy away from helping you.  It's practically their job to help you.

Speak up and don't be shy to share that you want help.  People love working in teams and helping others.  Give them a chance to step up.

Conclusion

A lot of this is just a mind game.  That's the battle you have to win first.  If you can get comfortable with looking forward rather than back, and taking a learning attitude and invest in yourself, then you'll become a master at reinventing yourself.

Further Reading

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What are your values? And how do you find them?

What happened to you?

How have you been? So a friend wrote me this week and asked why he hasn't seen any posts from me recently.  We'll call him Evan, even though his real name is Bryan.  So, do you know what I told Bryan?

I basically said: "Well, I like writing and all, but I really want to prioritize my career.  Maybe if I found a way to make some money writing, I'd do more of it."  Something like that.

Pretty uninspiring.  Then, I felt bad I actually replied that way.  A money-grubbing, whiny way.  Well, that made me pause and think about why I do what I do, and why I write?  Certainly, pragmatism goes a long way in life, but have you thought about what motivates your actions?

Why you do certain things in life?  And if you dug into those motivations for your actions, you get into incentives and into beliefs.

You work because you're paid to work.  That's an incentive.  You want to make money.  And maybe if someone offers you a bonus, you work a little harder.  That's incentive.  It makes people do good things and bad things.  The lure of profit incents a drug trafficker to smuggle illegal drugs across the border, even though it's dangerous and could land you in jail (to say nothing of the potential harm to user).

As for beliefs, if you think you're going to die next month, you'll act very differently from you are today (when most you think you'll be alive for many more decades).  People save money for retirement because they think the world will be similar to what we know today, and they want to have the means to live into old age.  You'd stop saving your money if the doctor told you you have malignant cancer that may be fatal.  I don't know.  Maybe you'll live it up more today instead of deferring living life until retirement.

Ancient Story of Values

Most people know who Adam and Eve are; the first couple in the creation story of the Bible.  Their first two children were sons named Cain and Abel.  Cain was a farmer and Abel tended to flocks (livestock).  Both make offerings to God.  While God accepts Abel's offerings, God rejects Cain's offerings.  Cain becomes angry, and out of jealousy, strikes and kills Abel.  First murder is a fraternicide.

Does God seem unfair?

I once read a speculation by the famous philosopher Immanuel Kant.  He mused that perhaps this episode represented the conflict of values between a nomadic society transitioning to to an agrarian one.  Those who tended to livestock moved around and lived in the field.  They were closer to the stars, nature, and to God.  Farming, on the other hand, demanded people settle down and construct infrastructure.  Over time, farming cultures build sophisticated civilizations.  They grow distant from God.

Instead of this analysis, I heard a values-based analysis.  The story is in Bible's Genesis chapter 4.  It makes an interesting qualitative difference between Abel's and Cain's offerings.

verse 3 - "In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord."
verse 4 - "And Abel also brought an offering - fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock.  The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering."

The theological reading is that intentions are different from someone who gives the first stock versus someone who brings something in the course of time.  The latter is merely giving a budget line item.  Like a tax.  It's not just that the first fruit is better, as wine connoiseurs would know.  The one who gives the firstborn knows he may not have more, but gives it all the same.  Huge difference.

So that was very interesting.  What are your intentions?  And your intentions really reflect your values - what you fundamentally believe is important in your life.  And it is influenced (guided or misguided) by incentives in your life.

How do you dig deeper?

Finding what's important to you isn't simple.  So, to close the loop on this rant, I told Bryan I wanted to write for money, but that's not true.  Clearly, money was on my mind at the time, but I write for the joy of connecting with ideas and with people.  If the only one person got something out of this piece, then it was a worthwhile activity.  And even if no one read it, it gave me a chance to struggle with an important idea for myself.  That's worthwhile.  Nevermind the dollars and cents.

So, what can you do to connect with your own values and discover them further?  What do you love?

In Hackers and Painters, technologist and writer Paul Graham suggests a heuristic for discovering what you love in life.  He suggests simply: "always be producing."  What he means is that if you are always doing something you think is useful, you'll do so until you get bored and start doing something else.  If you don't get bored and keep doing that thing because you love it, well, you've discovered your passion.  In the process, you'll discover something about yourself and what you treasure.

Science supports this idea.  Contrary to what many believe, there is evidence that what you think and believe is affected by what you do.  As we all know, what we think or believe affects how we live.  Which is to say, what you do changes who you become.

I don't think I helped anyone solve her problems this week, but I hope you'll forgive me for the rant while I get back into the habit of writing more regularly.  See you soon!

I want to get to know you

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me about a former naval academy grad who is writing full-time.

I am not the best

I went to Dave Booda’s site and subscribed to his Boodaism.

Dave is full of wisdom and insight about everyday living as an ordinary American.  How can you draw meaning from your work and life when you seemingly can’t be one of those uber-successful billionaires on TV?  We aren’t all Tony Stark of Ironman: rich, brilliant, confident, good looking, and seemingly invincible.  It’s okay, Dave shows you how to be cool as you are.

Dave is a better writer than I am.  He is clearer and more insightful in what he writes.

I don’t know much

Nor do I have some special knowledge that can help you.  James Clear.  He’s a local North Carolinian.  And on his site JamesClear.com, James uses science to help you do more with less.  His insights can help you form habits to make you into a mean, lean, git ‘er done machine.

Nope, I don’t know much about scientification.

So, why do I bother writing?

If I had a special power

For one thing, I like writing.  And while my audience may be small, I am happy speaking to a small group of friends.  Plus, it’s therapeutic for me.  And if I had to dig a little deeper, I can say I enjoy hearing out a friend about her problem and doing something small to help.

For another, it’s like life.  Just ‘cause you’re no Shakespeare, doesn’t mean you should stop writing.  Just ‘cause you’re not Einstein doesn’t mean you should drop out of school (he did his best thinking while a patent office clerk, anyway).  You have to start somewhere.  And like the tortoise, if you keep going, you’ll reach the finish line.

But, if I had a special power, it’s helping a friend.  I’m a good advisor, a Spock to a Kirk.

Star Trek movie

And that brings me to say: I want to get to know you.

What’s on your mind?  What’s keeping you up at night these days?

If you think I could research and write about a topic of interest to you, would you please reply and let me know?  What can I do to help you?  What would you like to know more about?

As always, thank you for your time.

Check them out

• James Clear on JamesClear.com
• Dave Booda on Boodaism

What would you do if your colleague's dad died?

I’m sure you’ve lost someone close to you.  Whether to time or to disease, no one is free from the grips of death.

In my book on 12 Steps on How to be Happy, I related a story about how a young, non-smoker friend passed away after a fight with lung cancer.  To me, that story was a reminder to say hello to those around you.  They may not always be around.

What would you do?

At my department, a co-worker was missing from work for a few days.  Through the grapevine, I learned that his dad had passed away.

It’s tragic.  He’s about my age.  And I’m visiting my parents this weekend in High Point, NC.  I have been sharing meals with my mom and dad this weekend.

If a friend’s unexpected death was a reminder to connect with those around you now, I wondered what exactly “to connect” means.  It’s one thing to feel sorry for someone and to empathize with them.  But, what can you do?

Do you leave a card with a message of condolence?

Do you bring some food to their house with kind words?

Do you give them a big hug with the conviction that life will go on?

What would you do?

It is so easy to get caught up in the daily business of our lives to pause and sympathize with someone who's life has suddenly been disrupted.  

If it had been your family who passed away, what words and actions would you like to receive from your friends and your colleagues?

What would you do?

Be the Best You Can Be - However Small

I previously reflected on the story of the tortoise and hare, and how incremental progress can accomplish big goals.  Just as with the post about small gestures with big impact, I want to be better about making small changes to be more effective and happy.

“Go to work every day and make getting better your North Star. Aim at that every day,” - Jim Collins

Reality vs. Fantasy

It’s fun to look for small things in my life to improve.  Why?  

Because, in the past, I often thought about big dreams, but realized looking back, I accomplished very little of those dreams.  When I was younger, I had no context to evaluate the link between planning and outcomes.  Now, looking back over the years, I can see the impact not only in my own life, but in the life of those I know.

More to point, I’d like to harness the power of building on success to continue to grow and develop.

(Fantasy v Reality - These used to popular on Facebook last year)

Two Bios - Bezos and LBJ

There are two stories that come to mind about this.  One is of Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com.  The other is of Lyndon B. Johnson (LBJ).

There is a famous story of an early Amazon days.  The young and inexperienced CEO Jeff Bezos asked the famous business author Jim Collins for advice.  Bezos admitted in front of his team that he felt was was something “less than a Level 5 Leader.”

(“Level 5 leader” is a leader who has mastered and combined personal humility and will to being a great leader.  Jim Collins wrote many business classics like Good to Great and Built to Last.)

Collins advised Bezos:  “Go to work everyday and make getting better your North Star: Aim at that every day.”

One can argue, Bezos took the advice to heart, and has been doing better everyday for a long time now.

LBJ

I came across another interesting example of taking small tasks seriously by another famous figure: LBJ.

While a young man in college, LBJ took a temporary teaching job in Cotulla, Texas to earn money to pay for his tuition at San Marcos.  The school was for Mexican students whose parents were mostly workers for the white business owners in that southern corner of Texas.  Other teachers took the job with disdain, and treated Mexican children like something less than people who needed education.

Not so Lyndon Johnson.  He put his heart and soul into the school, getting to work before anyone and leaving after everyone left.  Where the school had no extracurricular activities, he devised new ones and connected with nearby schools to give the kids something to do.  Where the children had no transportation to get to events, he’d call on parents with cars (only few had cars) to get the kids to places.

What struck me was that he did all of this not only because he cared about the job and the kids (he did), but because he understood getting a stellar recommendation from this small gig would help him land other positions thereafter.

What You Can Do

You might be working on a boring task right now in a job that feels static.  Just as LBJ did, understand that how you approach a small task will define the opportunities you are given later.  (In the Bible, there’s a story in the book of Matthew about servants to whom talents are given to invest and grow.  In this story, Jesus rebukes the lazy servant who hid the one talent and did nothing with that talent.)

Or, you might be excited about the challenging task you have.  But, you’re stressed because the goal seems insurmountable.  You understand that this big challenge is like finishing a marathon.  You will complete the 26.2 mile-long race one step at a time.  One step.

Focus on getting better everyday.

Further Reading

• Level 5 Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve.  HBR, Jim Collins.
• The Path to Power: The Years of Lyndon Johnson.  Robert A. Caro.

Did you enjoy this post? I help people and businesses grow at betterandhigher.com.  Please subscribe and share!

Remembering Independence

A Little History

Happy Fourth of July to everyone!  And if you’re not American, then you’ll note that we are celebrating the independence day of United States of America.

Those who enjoy history, may recall that the day that the continental congress representing thirteen colonies declared their independence from the British crown.  (And yes, it was also a blockbuster movie starring Will Smith.)

I happen to live in one of the thirteen colonies, North Carolina.  I’m visiting my parents just outside of Greensboro.  Greensboro was named after general Nathaneal Greene.  Greene was one of George Washington’s major generals, and drove Britain’s Lord Cornwallis out of Carolinas into Virginia [thanks Wikipedia].

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

A Little Fresh Spirit in Life

The lesson that I can take away today is that there’s value in independent thinking, even though doing so may end up upsetting the powers.  You know from your experience that once you get used to something, you tend to go on an auto-pilot.  The technical term for this is sensory or neural adaptation.  Foreign things are foreign only the first time.  Once you start seeing something new again and again, or smell that smell every day, you get used to things.  

It’s a simple concept.  In a way, this biological reality is the cornerstone of forming habits.  As you know, habits can be good or bad.

When you get used to doing your work well, or you get used to getting something from others, you might be excited and grateful at first.  But, after a while, you begin to take things for granted.  Or perhaps you started a new role, and attacked problems with fresh eyes.  But, after losing yourself in the details for a while, you lose independence of thought.

You become part of the problem.

How can you keep your mind sharp and fresh?  Well, here are a few things to remember:

• Change your setting - Something as simple as standing up or taking your papers to a different desk could stimulate new thoughts.
• Take your vacations - I still can’t believe some people don’t take vacations.  Get away from your desk a while.  Your company will still be there when you get back.
• Take a walk - One of my favorite techniques.  Whether it’s walking or using the opposite hand to write (try left handed doodling if you’re a right-hander).  The unusual act will stimulate new thoughts.  Even random thoughts are a positive.
• Practice opposites - Like anything, you get good at being a contrarian by practicing it.  When you come up with a new idea, don’t stop there.  Play the devil’s advocate and try to come up with reasons why the idea is not a good one.
• Empathize - If you’re working with a team, then pause to think about what your counterparts are thinking.  It will help you get out of your head, and enhance how you communicate.

Okay, so fresh thinking may not have stopped the War of Independence.  But, I suspect it will help you stay more focused and more energetic in your endeavors.

A Little Family Time

That said, as I was wrapping up my mundane finance work Friday afternoon, I saw how everyone seemed to file out early.  They were thinking about the family and friends they were going to see for this holiday.

If you’re like me, then I’m sure you’ve noticed that things “feel” different around holiday time.  You and others around you become more relaxed.  You take work a little less seriously and think about the fun trip you have planned, or look forward to the grill you’ll break out with family and friends.

And that’s the most important thing.  Why did our Founding Fathers declare their independence?  So, you can enjoy a cold beer and admire your green lawn with friends?  Damn right.

Of all the things that you could get used to and take for granted, remember not to take your family and friends for granted.  Take a fresh look at each time you see them and remember how important they are.

Happy July Fourth!

Five People You Meet and Power of Context

I hope you’re doing well!  Last week, I shared the importance of assuming the right attitude and thinking about the type of story you want to live out in your new role.  During this past week, I thought about the people I joined in doing the work.

Five People

In The Five People You Meet in Heaven, the author Mitch Albom imagines that heaven consists of the five people who most influenced you on this earth.

A brief Wikipedia synopsis: “Eddie is killed and sent to heaven, where he encounters five people who significantly impacted him while he was alive.”

I find this to be an interesting metaphor for life.  The world you create in life is the world you’ll know in afterlife.  If we choose to be happy and surround ourselves with happy people, we will find that happiness beyond today.  It’s been a few months since I released How to be Happy: 12 Powerful Steps.  Yet, the daily practice goes on.  Who we choose to be around has a profound impact on our own happiness.

And it’s not just happiness.  I’ve once heard that we become the five people you spend the most time with (choose your friends wisely)!  Spend all your waking hours around drinkers, and you’ll find yourself drinking more.  If all your friends become vegetarians, you’ll find yourself eating less meat.  (You know this to be true.  When you join a company where everyone works late, you find it hard to go home on your own.  Choose your careers wisely!)

This is profound.

As much as you like to think you control your habits, you’re at the mercy of the environment you live in.  And that environment has a surprisingly narrow definition: the five people you spend most time with.

This is also empowering.  Your own habits and attitudes will influence those around you.

The Old and the New

As I mentioned in previous post, I recently started a new job.  With that, I have the pleasant opportunity to connect with new kinds of people and to make new friends.  

The old me thought about how I could get ahead.  The new me wonders what I can do to help others get ahead.  The old me thought about how much money I could make in such and such a role.  The new me wants to be content with work as its own reward.  The old me focused on me.  The new me catches myself doing that, and remembers to look around.  The old me worked hard to give all the answers, pleased to think of my own brilliance.  The new me seeks to ask questions so I can learn.

The old me was young and immature, but had no idea about how immature I was.  The new me at least recognizes I’m immature and knows nothing.

The Choice and Power Are Yours

One of the new people I recently met at work is a young fellow named Phil.  He sits by himself quietly for the most part.  He sits little bit apart from the team in a corner, and I thought he was one of the analysts who’d been with the company for a while.  I started talking to him and learned that he’s an intern.  That explained why he sat quietly by himself and no one seemed to talk to him regularly.

I’m pretty sure the old me would have thought to myself: interns … what do they know?  Turns out, Phil knows quite a bit!  He apparently runs a laundry concierge service at his college, and the business rakes in six figures net income!  He’s exactly the kind of entrepreneurial and energetic people I wanted to surround myself with.  Yet, I’m curious how many other people know this about Phil.

You have the power to surround yourself with good people, happy people, fun people.  You also have the power to be good, be happy, and have fun with your life.  And the process of choosing is a daily practice.  Choose wisely each day.

Further Reading

Did you enjoy this post? I help people and businesses grow at betterandhigher.com.  Please subscribe and share!